TRIGGER WARNING: This blog contains content about sexual assault, marital rape & abuse.
First I want to start by saying this is not talked about enough mostly because people are afraid to speak up. Inappropriate sexual behavior, such as sexual assault, rape, harassment, or gestures, towards anyone - men, women, or children - is never acceptable. (Yes it happens to men as well.)
I want to begin with explaining what exactly falls into these categories. Sexual assault of a child (any way shape or form), inappropriate groping someone without permission, rape, sexual assault (which means this: Sexual assault happens when someone either touches another person in a sexual manner without consent or makes another person touch them in a sexual manner without consent. It includes unwanted kissing and the touching of someone's genitals, breasts or bottom.)
If these examples aren’t clear enough this will be, if you don’t have permission to touch another human in this manner then don’t. If they say no, no means no. There is another form of saying no that’s not spoken about near enough as well and it’s when the person says nothing or freezes. This is a natural reaction and it still means NO. If the person doesn’t say yes or no and freezes then there is NO consent. Period. “She/he didn’t say stop” is NOT an excuse. No matter the age or the relationship.
In addition, there is another type that is very rarely talked about and that’s marital rape.Yes, you can be raped by your spouse. This is a brief introduction to my personal story on marital rape. There have been only 3-4 people I have shared my story with in my life but I am now breaking my silence and I refuse to keep it in the dark any longer. Now that my children are grown I feel like I can speak freely about this. Before I tell my story I wanted to share a picture below of me and my first 2 kiddos, I was a baby with 2 babies but my babies have always been my world! They’re what gave me the strength to get out.
Many years ago (in my first marriage, I was 17-21 years old during this marriage) I experienced marital rape. I didn’t know that was actually a thing but it is. You can be married and say no and if you’re forced and screaming for them to stop over and over that is RAPE. Married or not. (Marital rape is usually paired domestic violence or physical abuse, which was apart of my story as well, some day I will tell my entire story but for now this part of my story I feel is most important at this moment.) I struggled for years thinking that it was wrong and I knew in my gut it was wrong, however, we were married and I had never heard of this happening. I was very very young and I wasn’t sure if being raped by a spouse was a legitimate thing or not. He would frequently use the phrase “the Bible says submit to me and that includes sex when I want it.” This was not a one time thing that happened, it was ongoing to the point where he preferred that violent type of sexual behavior and it was horrifying to say the least. It was sickening and one of the darkest times in my life. I’ve never felt so used, disgusting and violated by a person and treated like a piece of property by a man that was supposed to be my husband. Marital rape is a deeply traumatic experience that affects countless individuals around the world. It is a violation of trust, love, and the sacred bond of marriage. I felt led by the Lord to finally speak out about this experience that’s kept me silent for years”
PLEASE NOTE: I am NOT sharing this for anyone to say “poor Sheree” because I am stronger now because of it. I have overcome it, and, of course, there are still triggers that arise here and there but for the most part I am ok and I’ve gotten past it. The main reason I’ve kept silent is for my kids and it being their dad I didn’t want to speak about it or them to know that he’d do such a thing even though he wasn’t in their lives much. Another reason I haven’t spoken up until now is because I never wanted the looks of pity. Although it was a difficult time in my life, I never wanted anyone looking at me like “that poor girl.”
To backup my “Yes, even in marriage there can be rape if you say no” The bible is very clear in Ephesians 5 about mutual submission built on a foundation of love and respect. It compares the relationship between the husband and wife the same as Christ and the Church. Jesus NEVER forces the Church to submit to His desires and he never used violence.
Rape is a selfish and violent act and Jesus is neither of the two. I know some will throw the scripture 1 Corinthians 7:4-5. Which reads; “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.” This verse does NOT mean it’s okay to hold your wife down and have sex with her when she’s screaming begging you to stop. That’s not okay. If you’ve experienced this in your marriage, I need you to know this is not okay. It’s not normal, no matter how many scriptures they throw at you or what they tell you. If me speaking out about this will help one person understand that or make one more person speak up, then I am extremely thankful for that because this is not talked about enough. I know there are a lot of you out there that have experienced this, and was like I was, not sure if it's rape if it's your spouse. I just know it deep down in my soul that some of you reading this have experienced it and you've never spoke about it. This is for you. I am speaking for myself, and for you to know this is WRONG and NOT okay.
Whew, now that I have put that out there for the entire world to see, at least my silence is now broken. Now everyone who reads this blog and knows me personally, the word is out and I am okay with that, it actually feels freeing in a way. Praise God for that! Now that I've shared my deepest darkest secret with you all let's talk about sexual assault, what does the bible say about that?
It could easily be said that someone willing to commit sexual abuse or assault, that they are indeed deeply entangled in sin and likely have been for some time. The most important thing that I don’t believe people realize is that sexual assault of any kind is a sin AGAINST God. I say this because with sexual assault/rape the blessing of sexuality is used to destroy instead of build intimacy and it is an attack against God's image. It violates His most sacred creation, human beings made in his image. In the bible sexual intimacy is a reflection of unity and peace between a man and woman. It’s the image of the two becoming one. It should never be used as a weapon of power and control. It’s a disgusting act that not only traumatizes the victim but can distort the victims view of what God intended sex to be. It shatters trust, as well as brings shame and disgrace upon the victim even though the victim is completely innocent in the equation.
To anyone that’s experienced sexual assault:
It is a brutal war to overcome and to reach the point where the shame is finally gone, it takes years. However, I want anyone who’s experienced this that feels like they’re not okay to know that God plays an active role in healing from this despicable act of violence. It’s hard to understand why it happened to you and you’ll never know why but you can experience true healing from the grace of God. He sees all, he knows your innocence, he knows their disgusting sin and they will answer to that one day. As for you, you did nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Reach out to me, to friends or family and know you’re not alone. You deserve to be healed and God will gently guide you through that but you have to let him. For years I thought by staying silent that it would go away. It never goes away, it's always there and will always be there.
However, this vicious act of violence that was forced upon you can be something that you can use for good in some way, even if you can’t see that at the moment. For me, even though the Lord has always been a part of my life in some way, him helping me heal from this over time built a trust and closeness between him and I that is unexplainable. I remember the exact moment that it no longer controlled me, the fear, the shame, the “did I do something to deserve this?”, all of it was gone, and God gave me my power back. I was no longer entangled in the heaviness of it. It didn’t happen overnight, it took time and it took me seeking the Lord and digging in his word and letting him know I needed his help. He helped me and he can help you as well.
He used a lot of different people in my life, some that never knew this even happened to me but he used these people to help me heal and to this day some of them don't even know they played a part in that. He can help you as well. If you feel alone and have no one and need help please reach out to me. I know where you are, I’ve been there. No one can understand a situation unless they’ve walked in your shoes, and I’ve walked in your shoes. I am here and so is the Lord. Feel free to email me at followeroffaithapparel@gmail.com. We would also love to add you to the prayer list, it's not a public list, no details have to be given because God knows and its 100% confidential.
Lastly, you have a purpose in this life and everything that happens good or bad God can use to bring glory to him. You are apart of that, you matter, your story matters. Don't be afraid to tell it, there is no shame because you did nothing wrong. There is POWER in speaking out, even if it's just to one person at a time. You got this!
